What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 11:09
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She wouldn,t have been !
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ive learnt so much.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
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I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Why does my private parts itch so much during certain periods?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were not on the streets..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Who then, do I blame.?
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
So whats the point in blame.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
So, i spoilt her more .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I was very sick at this time too.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Put me off passion for life!!
I think the readers, may guess!
I said to her
My mum and dad in the seventies!
(And it was in our own minds.)
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I don,t even have a pension.
But it wasn’t much.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I waited trembling.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But, we were locked up after school.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
This is soul school!.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
What did i know ?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
He knew the spot.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I have no regrets .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
She found it foreign!.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was seconnd youngest,
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Im still living with it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I was 9 years of age.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Especially a lifetime of it.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She married twice! .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I couldn’t, believe it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
My family never makes their pension either.
And i lived it daily.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I write beautiful poetry .
When she asked me how she looked .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I will be 64.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
All the time i was locked up.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
One cannot live in the past .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My life is so biszare .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Why did i forgive my father ?
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Would this be the day?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was scared of men, in general
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
She was in good health!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But ive been too sick for many years..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Comes on , in middle age.
She loved him until the end.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We all went to grammer schools
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!